A Freebie from Freemont

Despite my continued disgust for the BP oil spill and the Obama administration’s utter lack of communication and leadership on the matter, I am going to shift gears to some local Massachusetts politics. In the face of the worst environmental crisis this nation has seen, I figure it will provide some needed comedic relief. To me, local politics has always been a comedy. Personally, if I don’t observe local politics by its comedic potential, it is only seems boring. I generally stay away from the Boston Globe as I do local news broadcasts because, other than make me laugh out loud when I’m stoned, they both kill more brain cells than the pot does. 

So, for all you non-Massachusetts residents, let me set up this latest local joke for you: imagine a state (a Commonwealth actually) that is often described as being the most liberal in the union and imagine that it is a place that has legalized gay marriage and has decriminalized pot, but, that it’s also a place where a very scared group of Puritanical citizens frequently immerge to fight political battles that most other states sit back and laugh at. The latest such occurrence appeared in the Boston Globe yesterday in the debate whether Massachusetts should legalize casinos within the state. Now, for someone from upstate New York, I am quite familiar with the culture of casinos. Where I’m from, you’re never more than an hour-and-a-half from a casino. You either hit the road for the Canadian border and Province of Ontario or you drive east to your nearest upstate Indian reservation where there are few Native Americans left but an abundance of black jack tables. And the nature of these casinos is just as advertised—they are contained resorts built to fulfill the otherwise suppressed hedonistic pleasures of the locals. You know exactly why you’re going there and you know exactly what you’re going to get. The only difference is that, if you’re in Canada, you’ll get to actually touch the strippers in between your gambling.

But, there’s no such luck in Massachusetts. That’s because we are the state of no happy hours. We are the state where you need to suck the Attorney General’s dick in order to get yourself a liquor license (that’s a Martha Coakley joke for all you non-locals). We are a state where wine cannot be sold in supermarkets, where beer cannot be carried in gas stations, and where bars are made to close no later than later than 2AM. Maybe it’s because I’m from New York, but I’ve never understood why this Puritanical mentality continues to exist in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts four fucking centuries after the English Reformation. Oh, I’ve had plenty of my prick Massachusetts friends try to explain this one to me, but it’s never done any good. I still think the idea that the citizens of Massachusetts need to be protected from the lechery within themselves is hilariously tragic and about as convoluted as the goddamned Reformation itself.

The arguments made by those that oppose the casinos are the same as they’ve always been: that gambling ruins families, that gambling is a compulsion as serious as drug addiction, and that the casino solution to raise state revenue is nothing more than a tax on the poor. I’m a mind-over-matter guy myself, though, and I say if your drunk Uncle Jimmy wants to blow his family’s mortgage payment at the casino, he probably had it coming to him one way or another. It’s not like these addictions aren’t being fed on the internet today anyways. And it’s also not like the ‘convenience’ stores on my block aren’t already mini-casinos that make most their profits off the degenerates purchasing fifty-dollar scratch tickets rather than the yuppies buying OJ.

I’ve never seen more bullshit in my life than when these Puritanical State Senators stand up on Beacon Hill and say that casinos prey upon the addictions of the weak. If by ‘prey’ they mean turn a profit like the dozen liquor stores a mile radius from my apartment that wait for us alcoholics to stroll in everyday, then I would have to agree. But if they’re telling us that we should be afraid of other people’s irresponsibility, well that’s just childish bullshit. Personally, I’m not a gambler, but I’m certainly aware of my own vices—my drinking, my pot smoking, my womanizing—and I don’t leave it up to other people to save me from myself. If I wanted to be saved, I’d move to Canada where I travel once a year to proudly walk their safe streets with my vices worn on my sleeve and tip my cap to the other patrons that have decided to join me in an evening of planned revelry. But why would I want to be saved? It would put me out of a blog.

- Freemont 

I found it intriguing that, in reading the New York Times this weekend, the Tea Party goers were quick to credit themselves with the Scott Brown victory in Massachusetts last month. Mark fuckwad Skoda, the leader of the Memphis Tea Party, was very affirmative in this belief, saying: “We did it without pejoratives. We did it without name-calling, we did it without all the absurdity that one would suggest is the traditional anger of the movement. We grew up.”

Now, we were at the ground level for this one, Friends of Freemont, and to Mr. Skoda I would say this: you did nothing of the fucking sort. The Tea Party movement is hellbent on claiming the Massachusetts special election as their victory because it makes for great headlines and for wonderful fiction. Much the same way that they fictionalize the beginnings of the American Revolution to suit their political needs. (As us ‘out-of-touchers’ who read books know, the American Revolution was led by intellectuals like Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin who were people seeking to be unified under a common central government, not a band of renegades out to destroy its influence).

So, let’s break this one down for Mr. Cunt Skoda, Friends of Freemont, before history is continually rewritten by both him and the mainstream media, who seem to be missing the boat on this one. And let’s do it step-by-fucking-step, in case any non-intellectual ball-sniffing fucks want to jump in at any point:

1.) Everyone seems to be forgetting Kennedy.

And I don’t mean Edward M. Kennedy. You see, the third party Independent who ran in this special election was named Joseph Lewis Kennedy. He ran on the platform of cutting government spending and decreasing the amount of government control over the private sector and free enterprise. Ideas sound familiar? In fact, in the debate I watched, Mr. Kennedy was even referred by the moderator as the “Tea Party candidate,” which I found to be interesting for a couple of reasons. The first being that Kennedy identified himself as a member of the Libertarian National Committee and never as a “Tea Party” candidate. I, therefore, found it odd that the moderator would refer to him as such. And, second, that Kennedy did not immediately correct this misrepresentation. Whatever the case, Kennedy won a whopping 1% of the vote when all was said and done, which was not even enough to claim that his presence swung voters away from Martha Chokely. Massachusetts voters, therefore, did not seem very embracing of the third party candidate who upheld the same values that seem so prevalent in the Tea Party movement.

2.) The Coak Fuck

Which brings me to #2— the simple fact that Martha Coakley ran one of the worst Democratic campaigns in party history. But I’ve spoke about this choke fuck far too much already, so let’s go right to #3…

3.) The ‘Socialist’ Vote for Healthcare

Despite Tea Party cunt claims that Scott Brown’s victory signaled the public’s rejection of Obama’s ‘socialist’ healthcare program, we Massachusetts ‘intellects’ know better. First, a poll taken shortly after the election showed that 48% of the people who voted for Scott Brown hoped that he would work with Democrats to pass healthcare reform. The second ‘intellectual’ idea that kind of floated in there was, well, the fucking fact that Massachusetts already has a ‘socialist’ healthcare program set up, which is very similar to the Obama plan and requires every state resident to purchase a form of healthcare. Not to mention the fact that Massachusetts voted time and time again for the leading proponent of healthcare reform, Edward Kennedy, to the Senate year after year after year. So, the problem, it seems, was not that the people of Massachusetts rejected Obama’s healthcare plan. But was, rather, that the White House (and the Chokely campaign) did not do a good enough job in letting the people of Massachusetts know what the benefit to them was if the Obama plan passed.

4.) Standing at the Harbor and not a tea marching fuck in sight

For my final point, I would just like to say that (as I’ve documented) I went to a couple of rallies for Martha Coakley in order to both get a gage of the Democratic tone and to seek out those Tea Partiers that were protesting against the Democratic candidate. What I encountered was not the Tea Party movement, however, but simple-minded Scott Brown supporters who liked his face and his truck as well as a radical group known as the LaRouche Political Action Committee (which does not appear to have any affiliation with the Tea Party movement). You would have thought, had the Tea Party organized such a state-wide revolt against Martha Coakley, that they would have traveled to it’s original location dressed up in their horse shit smelling, 18th Century garb, carrying misrepresentations of revolutionary flags, and dumping a bunch of Lipton into the Boston Harbor. But, thus was not the case, Friends of Freemont, and this I can attest to.

So, to reiterate— why is the Tea Party movement trying to claim the Scott Brown victory as their own? Well, because they need to. The movement, although clearly grabbing headlines on a weekly basis, is not well organized and not founded in any state of political realism. They have no answers to solve any of the problems in this country and, although clearly know how to confuse it’s citizens, have no real method of winning over a large majority of Americans.

If the Democrats have any sense in 2010, they will take a page out of the Nixonian book of politics and they will attack these Tea Party fucks with a host of combatant field operatives. I have plenty of ideas, David Plouffe. I know that you’re back on board for the cause. I warn you, David, that I won’t work cheap. But I will be fucking effective. If you have any balls, contact me through the blog. We can do lunch. I’ll wear a mask and you can wear that David-defeating-Goliath smile that everyone loves.

It’s time to wake up, citizens of Free.

Mr. Freemont Barrington

You sure didn’t do it.  And here’s why:

Martha Coakley gave us all the reasons why we shouldn’t vote for Scott Brown, but she never gave us the reasons why we should vote for her.  And that’s what independents need to hear.

This was a huge miscalculation by appallingly run campaign.

The Democrats do not need to go back to square one, they need to remind the country who they are. It’s time to sack up and start eating the cannibals before they eat you. Otherwise, losing will become the hedge pin of this administration.

Governor Deval Patrick has a message for his campaign this year— you can choose to move forward or you can choose to move backward. It remains to be seen if this campaign slogan will pay off in the polls. But one thing that’s for sure after last night’s election in Massachusetts is that it’s better than nothing at all. If the Democrats want to lose this November, they’ll do just that—nothing. They will play the moderate route and decide not to push this healthcare bill through the House before Scott Brown takes office. So, go ahead and do it, you fucks—play it safe. Don’t take a stand against the Republican obstructionists.  I can hear your bullshit quacks and coo’s already. But know that if you do this you can expect just what everyone’s been predicting for this November.

The healthcare bill is much like fucking Jay Leno, the way I see it. Most of America watched Leno on the Tonight Show because they are stupid people. They like lame jokes and they haven’t the slightest idea what good, edgy comedy is.  Much is the same with healthcare. These old, stupid fucks that make up half this country will keep taking it up the ass with a lame system that doesn’t work because they are perfectly comfortable with the safety inside the status quo.

So, it becomes up to the Democrats to take a chance and show the American public what it is that the American public really needs. Jesus-fucking-Christ—is this the same party that rallied behind a black man named Barack Obama for the presidency? Or will it turn into the party that stood back while Martha Coakley ran a conservative, weak campaign and allowed the treasured senate seat of Edward M. Kennedy be lost to a fucking guy who drives a truck?

Well, let me tell you something, you lame Democrat fucks— I hate trucks. And if you stand by while this one drives itself right through your healthcare plan, you will get what you deserve. So, what is it then? Is it time to move forward or is time to take a giant, conservative step back?

If the healthcare bill is pushed through the House right now, Gramma will eventually wake up and realize that she’s still alive. If it’s not, the question is: will you?

Your Political Strategist for Hire,

Mr. Freemont Barrington

Friends of Free,

I apologize that there was no correspondence on this blog Sunday or yesterday.  But, having shown up at the Democratic rally on Sunday for Martha Coakley, I was instantly appalled by the lack of both enthusiasm and creative canvassing  techniques. I spent the good portion of two hours scouring the Northeastern campus for young, vibrant Americans willing to make the local news with displays of force against the ‘Scott Brown Bus to Nowhere in Particular.’ However, it became apparent from the start that mine would be a losing effort and that college kids are, indeed, as they always seem these days, only interested in pussy, pizza, and pot.

That being the case, I abandoned my cry for protest and decided (since I was already there) to partake in two of these passive pastimes.  I already had a big bag of weed on me and it’s been quite a while since I’ve had a girl in her early twenties. You’d be fucking surprised how easy it is to pick up a chick when you’re older, smarter, and carrying grass on that campus.

Thus, instead of attacking the ‘Scott Brown Bus to Nowhere,’ I decided to take up the offer from a young woman to retire back to her dorm room. All was right for a quick fuck— she had the booze, I had the chronic, Haiti and a Democratic campaign decimated by plate tectonics.

So, after having a lustful and pleasant fuck, I left the dorm building empty and wide-eyed.  The world seemed different to me— almost more like the quiet and slowly fucked Rochester, New York I’d left a few short hours earlier.

The ground— it was shifting under our feet. The indifference smelled like the quietness just before a storm. It was a bust about to burst; a swollen colostomy bag of shit; a loss that didn’t even seem worth losing. I looked up at the grey, empty sky and all it looked like was a long and steady rain.

I’d have to say it’s time to cut our losses and start eating our dead.

- Free

Friends of Free,

I traveled to the Martha Coakley’s rally this afternoon to gather some Free information. I wanted to advise the Democratic candidate on her lack luster campaign strategy and perhaps seek some women advice from Bill Clinton as I offered my gentle condolences for Haiti (a land where he and I both, I’m sure, have had a gal or two from).

Unfortunately, though, I was thrown out of the event after spending a good portion of my time (before the speakers took the podium) yelling that I felt there was a lack of enthusiasm in the crowd. I begged for these people, these steadfast supporters of this mainstream Democrat, to begin chants that I felt were funny and would draw up some disdain for the Republican candidate, Scott Brown, who they will be voting against. After some time of attempting to start the following chants:

‘Brownie is a townie’

‘Scott’s daughter has nice cans’ and

‘Scott Brown likes rape’ (always start slowly and get hotter)

I was escorted out of the main room of the affair and into the lobby.  I guess Coakley operatives don’t have much of a sense of humor. But, thus is mainstream politics. Luckily I was able to catch some of the speeches in a lobby gathering room. Without getting into details of those, let’s just say that Menino might not make it through this term.  As I’ve stated before, he is fat and near death.

So, after some time there in that room, speaking with some very nice people, I couldn’t help but get a bit fired up again.  Because, despite their apparent kindness, there still remained much apathy in the crowd.  And it stunk like dead swine. When I attempted a couple more chants towards the end of Clinton’s speech, I was approached by more campaign officials.  I assured them that everyone in the room knew what was going to be said during the rest of these speeches and that they should send their troops elsewhere if they really wanted to win this thing.  However, I was once again removed— this time onto the sidewalk.

It was then that I ran into some very interesting folks outside of the event— men and women who were toting signs with an image of Obama with a Hitler mustache.  Hmm… I thought. Gets my attention, sure, but what are these folks really here for?  I mean, I’m a fucking leftist, but what is their agenda?

Well folks, it appears like they stand for nothing other than utter confusion.  And I do not support this. I could not get a straight answer from any of these fucks.  They wouldn’t say whether they were left or right or what exactly they supported. They appeared to be religious in that geek-christ-kid manner and they were by no means an intimidating sight.

And so it hit me there, on that sidewalk, staring at the image of Obama with a Hitler mustache that I said fuck it— I’ll throw my support behind Martha Coakley. I can be much more fucking creative than these amateur propagandist protest fucks. My anti-tactics have much more due diligence than theirs. I’ll suck blood and get my dick wet in their shit.

So, follow along friends of Free as the President Obama shows up here in Massachusetts on Sunday. And we’ll see if we can get these fart-sniffing anti-anti’s good and riled-the-fuck up.

I need to make a brief trip to the town of my birth on Saturday as one of my fellow fighters has fallen. A good man. Not killed in the leftist fight, but, rather, his own drug addiction. I shall return on Sunday, though, red hot upon my entrance into this state and ready to make some noise.  Since I will be dark for a while, I shall communicate through Twitter. Stay tuned, you beautiful few.

The blogs that follow are some documentation of propaganda nothingness that we leftists need to fight against with our mush larger purpose.

Briefly entering into the mainstream just for my own amusment,

Freemont Barrington

I wish I could enjoy Mass DeBating like I do a local rock and roll show. But if it’s one thing that I’ve learned over the years it’s that anything that’s good locally will lose the aspects that make it that way once it gains national attention. I guess that’s why a certain sense of indifference set inside of me when I watched the Massachusetts senatorial debate on Sunday night and why I spent the rest of the evening trying to restore my fighting spirit by listening to Modern Lovers’ records, drinking inordinate amounts of Ipswich Ales, and masturbating to facebook pictures of local gals I’ve fucked.  All this was an attempt to cleanse my insides, but the result was the same as it always is with politics: I was left with a bad taste in my mouth and a tender penis.

For those of you unaware, I have spent the last week emailing the Republican candidate for the Massachusetts senate seat, Scott Brown, in an effort to grant me an interview. As of this evening, my emails have remained unanswered.  It’s a shame this has been the case because, as I’ve stated to him, I believe that he would have benefited from gaining exposure on this blog (which represents a key demographic needed for his party).  Also, I feel he was put in an unfair disposition when Attorney General, Martha Coakley, the Democratic candidate, refused additional debates along the campaign trail.  If it’s one thing I hate, it’s the cowardice actions of a front runner.  It became the Achilles’ heel of Hilary Clinton, it did not advance the campaign of Barack Obama, and we’ll soon see if it has an affect on the campaign of a once heavily favored Martha Coakley.

But all’s fair in love and politics, I suppose, and the candidates faced off in front of a small crowd at the University of Massachusetts, Boston on Sunday.  They were joined on stage by the Independent, National Libertarian Party member, Joseph Kennedy, who is a non-factor in the race (as he appears to be an odd mutation of John McCain and Dennis Kucinich).

If you didn’t catch the debate or set it to your DVR, here’s what you missed:

- Scott Brown, although saying he favors healthcare reform, will do nothing more than stall the passing of a senate bill and lead us into twenty more years of lobbyist ball sucking, costly healthcare spending, and insurance predatory actions.

- Scott Brown, although quietly accepting the endorsement of a right-to-life organization, claimed he would not push a socially conservative agenda if elected to the national seat.

- Scott Brown, seeing an opportunity after the Christmas bombing attempt, clearly used this debate as a tool to strike fear in the hearts of Americans and advance his campaign on the vague idea that soft Democratic policies would lead to more terrorist attacks on the country.

- Scott Brown apparently thinks that ‘lawyer-up’ is a verb that should be used incessantly when referring to the debated right of terrorists to a judicial trial.  In fact, the word (or words) ‘lawyer-up’ was used so many times, I felt he had established an unhealthy fixation on it.

- And, lastly, Scott Brown should have accepted my request for a fucking interview before he went into a debate where he came off as being unprepared, ill-suited, and genuinely flustered.

Well, now I’m tired and bored from all this recapping of this Mass DeBate.  I guess its just time to really rub one out as I use another local flavor of mine, a former American Idol contestant: Ayla Brown.  Sound good, Senator?

Good Evening FOF and don’t forget to vote on the 19th.

- Freemont Barrington